Hyper-Specific Questions I'd Like to See Answered

Who Gets a 99 on the Oura Ring?

I can barely get six hours of sleep at night. Lord knows I try. And when I do, my stress is still high enough to warrant a push notification telling me to chill out. Who are these people out here getting their proper 8 hours, no sleep debt, and not a care in the world? Do they not know stress? Do they not know the world is on fire?

Do Poly People Actually Stay Together?

My friend Derek, his boyfriend, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's boyfriend all live together. What are the odds of that imploding and after how long? Or am I just ridiculously monogamous to the point where I'm deluded that it's the only successful way of living in a romantic relationship? (They should also change the name from "polycule" to something else, because it sounds like a Pokemon.)

Is It Normal to Constantly Buy Books?

There's no way I'm going to read all of them. I own thousands. Some of them are horrible. Case in point: fifteen pages through Saunders' Vigil and I stooped it. Is this me overcompensating for lack of substance abuse issues or being called stupid at some point in my life that I repressed? Also, why is it so hard to find all Little Free Libraries on a map?

Why Can't I Legally Watch Murphy Brown?

Music rights weren't a problem for the never-ending TV Land reruns. This is the De La Soul of streaming rights in the sense that many generations of television watchers are going to miss out on it purely from an availability standpoint.

What Happened to Carl Stephenson?

He produced Beck's Mellow Gold record, released a Forest for the Trees record, played at the first Coachella, then bounced. And what happened to Ronald Jones from the Flaming Lips?

Is It Weird That I’m About to Go to a Bar to Read My RSS Feeds and Drink a Seltzer Water?

Asking for a friend. And that friend really wants to get out of the house for the first time today.

Do the Birds Eating the Food I Set Out for Strays Know They’re Cannibals?

Like, what the hell?

How Far Are We From Good Gluten Free Food?

Vegan food is absolutely killer right now, but I'm doubled over in pain from accidentally ingesting gluten yesterday. Why do most gluten free things suck and consist mostly of additives, and why can't those food scientists do something about it?

Why Do I Get Such Pleasure From Not Going to Weddings?

Half the weddings I've been to have already ended in divorce or annulments. Why waste my time? Why not just send a gift and say "I have a thing?" Which I already do, but why do I get such a kick out of saying "unfortunately I cannot make it, but I give you and yours my best"?

What Am I Going to Do With That Table?

A coworker is getting rid of a nice granite table and I automatically offered to take it. What am I going to do with it? Sure, I have the space somewhere, but what does it add? Is it just another place to stack piles of books?

But, Like, Will I Actually Leave the House?

Man, I don't know. I'm stomach sick. I could just stay home and watch Murphy Brown.