Holding Pattern

I approach every year with the same two beliefs: one big unexpected and horrible thing is likely to happen, and several anticipated moments will also happen. Everything else exists to fill the gaps in between.

The big awful thing usually happens at the start of the year, historically speaking. "What will be the big horrible thing this year?" I often think to myself (or out loud to my wife) in early January, only to learn about the death of a friend, relative, or pet.

The anticipated moments could be anything: a big trip (like the one I just took to San Francisco), a party (like the one I threw a few weeks back), a wedding, and so on. These are the things that are a couple months or a few weeks down the line that, no matter what is thrown at me in life, at least I'll soon have that moment in time.

After coming back from San Francisco and the East Bay, I find myself looking forward to the next big moment, whatever it may be. I submitted for a staycation at work in late May, which could be the thing if I hadn't taken so many staycations over the last decade. My wife and I are talking about going on vacation to the UK in the early fall, which may be the next big thing to build toward if it weren't six months away. A friend is getting married in October, but it's only the end of March.

This is all to say that I'm currently in the space where I don't have such a concrete marker of interest and anticipation to build toward any time soon. Times like these are when I find myself getting more restless, anxious, and somewhat complacent in the sense that I will throw myself into work, or simply just "hang out" without actually working on things I care about. These are the times I play the most video games, watch the most pro wrestling, and avoid reading books (because they require more effort than the aforementioned activities).

Recognizing this pattern and my history of loafing about before finding the next exciting moment to look forward to is important because this year is the first time when I aim to actively break such habits. After my Oura ring told me that I am somehow caught up on my sleep debt (for the first time in 21 years) and after the weather turned into a pleasurable spring atmosphere filled with people in the streets and stray cats running amok, choosing to be idle is exactly that: a choice. I know my past behavior and gravitation towards inaction during times where there's nothing on the calendar in the coming weeks or month(s) to anticipate. I am old and wise enough to simply choose not to behave that way.

There's also a flaw in living between moments: it lessens the impact of perceivably smaller moments. The walk I have with a friend on Saturday. An upcoming call with my sister. The release of an interesting film. To live for big moments — trips, events, and the like — is to forget everything in between, which would drive anyone in their right mind to depression and inaction.

This is also true for anticipating something bad to happen. My cat passed earlier this year not because she was sick for three years and we did all that we could, but because of course something bad would happen. I feel that this belief might be practical — bad things do happen — but also born out of trauma and loss, possibly to lessen the impact when the bad things to happen. Yet the byproduct of softening the blow is to soften everything, which feels like a horrible way to live in retrospect.

I don't know what the next big moment is, but perhaps I don't need a next big moment. The little moments of friendship, learning, experience and awe — a walk through the park on a Sunday morning or a bike ride through a quiet neighborhood while the trees begin to blossom — are enough to carry me through the days without the need for some big buildup. How it took me this long to realize it is beyond me, but it's better to discover it now rather than spending the rest of my life anticipating a "next big thing" that may never come.

-Scott

Housekeeping

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Why Am I Moving? Costs for running this site and email are low ($11 a month), but having two websites — this one as a blog and scottfromny.com — seems rather self-important. I'm trying to consolidate both of them while building the technical infrastructure in sending my own emails via an API like SendGrid, which will bring costs down to almost nothing. It's also an experiment to see if I can just build my own custom email newsletter provider, which opens up a whole lot of other doors in terms of building software for myself (and others).